writing again

I have just written 2 new entries. I haven't written in almost a year. I wrote because \i need to write. personally I think it was crap. there doesn't seem to be a heart in my writing lately. I am holding back. I hold back publicly when I am letting go privately. I am afraid if I write how I feel you will see into my soul. This has always been a huge fear of mine. letting go. Letting someone see inside. There are 2 side to my personality. One side says and acts like I don't give a fuck what you think and I do and say whatever makes me happy. ( without hurting someone or something) and then there is the frightened child who is so afraid of what others would think. So afraid to be different. All I ever wanted to be was 'beige.' ' eggshell, off-white,cream,sand, light taupe,whisper of neutral, ivory.' A wall flower, hidden, forgotten, irrelevant, invisible, blended in, neutral. Nothing .

I was unable to accept that I will never be any of the above. I was born plaid and will die plaid. end of story. But why do I constantly fight with myself. I haven't gotten anything done cause I am still waiting for the day that I will be happy in my plaid/polka dotted body. not true, I am doing it again. I am putting myself down. habit I have. Am afraid of my power. am afraid to say "I am doing very well, thank you for asking" insead when asked how I am I say "fine" or " could be better". am afraid to tell people I am happy and my life is going well .