I have just written 2 new entries. I haven't written in almost a year. I wrote because \i need to write. personally I think it was crap. there doesn't seem to be a heart in my writing lately. I am holding back. I hold back publicly when I am letting go privately. I am afraid if I write how I feel you will see into my soul. This has always been a huge fear of mine. letting go. Letting someone see inside. There are 2 side to my personality. One side says and acts like I don't give a fuck what you think and I do and say whatever makes me happy. ( without hurting someone or something) and then there is the frightened child who is so afraid of what others would think. So afraid to be different. All I ever wanted to be was 'beige.' ' eggshell, off-white,cream,sand, light taupe,whisper of neutral, ivory.' A wall flower, hidden, forgotten, irrelevant, invisible, blended in, neutral. Nothing .
I was unable to accept that I will never be any of the above. I was born plaid and will die plaid. end of story. But why do I constantly fight with myself. I haven't gotten anything done cause I am still waiting for the day that I will be happy in my plaid/polka dotted body. not true, I am doing it again. I am putting myself down. habit I have. Am afraid of my power. am afraid to say "I am doing very well, thank you for asking" insead when asked how I am I say "fine" or " could be better". am afraid to tell people I am happy and my life is going well .
Friday, 12 November 2010
Blerg
BLERG, it's the sound of many negative emotions in one word.
am feeling completely out of sorts old tall friend is having trouble sleeping and I seem to be holding his emotions. I need him to sleep. no I need to find a way to shake his stuff from me. Normally I could walk away but when I am tired I seem to lose all sense of reality. honestly I am not not anchored. I am floating around searching for something to hold on to but I am tired and can't feel what is out there. I am babbling on but I am not feeling safe. I never feel safe when I am tired from lack of sleep. Exercise tired is different because then my brain is dull and shuts down. Now I feel icky and agitated.
I have recently stopped eating wheat and sugar completely. I always feel better free of these two things. I was free from them for almost a year and then slowly I began eating shaving and snippets. bites and tastes. straightening cakes and never using a plate for sweets. eating standing up because it doesn't have the same amount of calories. Eating wheat used to dull this aggitated feeling. would dull my senses. I guess the whole thing is aI am feeling much more than I normall feel and I want to call old tall friend on the phone and say what difference does it make I still feel like shit. this piece of writing is all over the place and shit. everything is shit when I don't sleep.
Actually the truth is that old tall friend wrote me something yesterday which I has pissed me off cause I don't think it is valid. think it's his lack of sleep that made him write incorrectly thus leading to my questions thus leading old tall friend to write
"You read a lot into what people say, sometimes too much."
I want to call old tall friend on the phone and say AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAArg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I want to call him and tell him to piss off It is not my fault but your crappy grammar and writing. thinking you have written something coherent but you have not. he likes cryptic and secretive. aaaargh.
we are completely different on the outside. he holds his card close to his chest and I am like blaaaaaaah. I know how to be demure and quiet and when to keep my mouth shut but basically I am But old tall friend will not talk on the phone. I.M. on facebook or email/facebook messages only.
I want to have a discussion have him hear the intonation and inflection of my voice. Hear sadness anger,compassion. sarcasm humour love. there are 100's of ways of saying hello, or no. depending on how you say it.
I rely on my voice to express how I am really feeling with pauses and rambles. talking quickly and excitedly/ softly when I am trying to get the other person to understand or bring the other person down.
I also need to hear the other persons voice. what exactly do they mean buy what they said. I look at some of my past letters to old tall friend and I sound like a neurotic perpetually pmsing teenage girl. okay here comes some more truth.
I know him from along time ago. He was a good friend of mine. I have always liked and respected him. He was one of my friend that challenged me and my brains. I always felt that I wanted and needed to work a bit harder to be his friend. I like that. He is smart. Smart is sexy. Smart has always been more of a turn on than looks. I never realised that until I fell for a comic who never bathed. the guy was so fucking smart and funny when we were together I felt like I was using everyone one of my brain cells ,left right and total brain. It felt like I used every part of myself . I have never felt more alive and anchored than when I was with him. we fed off each others wit. I was a comedy Einstein.
okay so I digress again. old tall friend is smart and sexy.
I don't want to go to this place with him and about him. He is an old friend who I had lost touch with and am grateful to have back in my life. Sex always ruins everything. Besides you can think someone is sexy and not sleep with them.
Okay so old tall friend doesn't want to use the phone. I get it but fa' uck. 2 hours of I.M. ing could be a 15 minute conversation . and you are writing over each other. asking for an answer and he is typing away. I feel so impatient when I.M.ing with him. I am impatient anyway but with him I just want to have 24hours with him to ask questions about the high school, his version I want to see in his eyes what he means,, his body language. I know I am a crazy person.
When at school he was top of the food chain and able to step back and view from He will have a more realistic view . I experienced high school wearing a wardrobe of clothes made by the Stupid, Fat and Ugly Department store
am feeling completely out of sorts old tall friend is having trouble sleeping and I seem to be holding his emotions. I need him to sleep. no I need to find a way to shake his stuff from me. Normally I could walk away but when I am tired I seem to lose all sense of reality. honestly I am not not anchored. I am floating around searching for something to hold on to but I am tired and can't feel what is out there. I am babbling on but I am not feeling safe. I never feel safe when I am tired from lack of sleep. Exercise tired is different because then my brain is dull and shuts down. Now I feel icky and agitated.
I have recently stopped eating wheat and sugar completely. I always feel better free of these two things. I was free from them for almost a year and then slowly I began eating shaving and snippets. bites and tastes. straightening cakes and never using a plate for sweets. eating standing up because it doesn't have the same amount of calories. Eating wheat used to dull this aggitated feeling. would dull my senses. I guess the whole thing is aI am feeling much more than I normall feel and I want to call old tall friend on the phone and say what difference does it make I still feel like shit. this piece of writing is all over the place and shit. everything is shit when I don't sleep.
Actually the truth is that old tall friend wrote me something yesterday which I has pissed me off cause I don't think it is valid. think it's his lack of sleep that made him write incorrectly thus leading to my questions thus leading old tall friend to write
"You read a lot into what people say, sometimes too much."
I want to call old tall friend on the phone and say AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAArg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I want to call him and tell him to piss off It is not my fault but your crappy grammar and writing. thinking you have written something coherent but you have not. he likes cryptic and secretive. aaaargh.
we are completely different on the outside. he holds his card close to his chest and I am like blaaaaaaah. I know how to be demure and quiet and when to keep my mouth shut but basically I am But old tall friend will not talk on the phone. I.M. on facebook or email/facebook messages only.
I want to have a discussion have him hear the intonation and inflection of my voice. Hear sadness anger,compassion. sarcasm humour love. there are 100's of ways of saying hello, or no. depending on how you say it.
I rely on my voice to express how I am really feeling with pauses and rambles. talking quickly and excitedly/ softly when I am trying to get the other person to understand or bring the other person down.
I also need to hear the other persons voice. what exactly do they mean buy what they said. I look at some of my past letters to old tall friend and I sound like a neurotic perpetually pmsing teenage girl. okay here comes some more truth.
I know him from along time ago. He was a good friend of mine. I have always liked and respected him. He was one of my friend that challenged me and my brains. I always felt that I wanted and needed to work a bit harder to be his friend. I like that. He is smart. Smart is sexy. Smart has always been more of a turn on than looks. I never realised that until I fell for a comic who never bathed. the guy was so fucking smart and funny when we were together I felt like I was using everyone one of my brain cells ,left right and total brain. It felt like I used every part of myself . I have never felt more alive and anchored than when I was with him. we fed off each others wit. I was a comedy Einstein.
okay so I digress again. old tall friend is smart and sexy.
I don't want to go to this place with him and about him. He is an old friend who I had lost touch with and am grateful to have back in my life. Sex always ruins everything. Besides you can think someone is sexy and not sleep with them.
Okay so old tall friend doesn't want to use the phone. I get it but fa' uck. 2 hours of I.M. ing could be a 15 minute conversation . and you are writing over each other. asking for an answer and he is typing away. I feel so impatient when I.M.ing with him. I am impatient anyway but with him I just want to have 24hours with him to ask questions about the high school, his version I want to see in his eyes what he means,, his body language. I know I am a crazy person.
When at school he was top of the food chain and able to step back and view from He will have a more realistic view . I experienced high school wearing a wardrobe of clothes made by the Stupid, Fat and Ugly Department store
Tuesday, 9 November 2010
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